The Becoming
by AfricanSavannah
Summary: How did Leah become so bitter, why?  Surely it wasn't just the relationship between Sam and Emily.  What if there was more than that to it?  Leah's point of view.  Possible AU: later on.
1. Chapter 1

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Disclaimer: I don't own this, I am proud to promise you that the introduction of Bella Swan to the World was in no way to do with me.

I knew Sam might turn into a werewolf before he changed, we'd talked about it, one wintry night by the fire. He wasn't sure that he liked the idea of suddenly feeling forced to cater to someone's whims. We'd laughed at it, discussed it, finally deciding that it didn't matter, because he was in love with me already – or so he said – and he practically acted that way anyway. So it was all well and good, we weren't even sure that he'd change. He did. He rang me up, half-excited about the whole thing, half-frightened. He had never fit in too well, so he was eager to gain a pack, but scared to face the vampires.

That was one of the things I loved about him, he was never scared to tell me how he really felt about anything and everything, I went over, we'd already decided that I would be the first to see the wolf. I stood there in the doorway waiting, his brown eyes staring back at me, he changed back. It was all smiles and laughter.

"I told you I loved you." He said.

The wolf was supposed to pick the perfect person, he didn't feel any differently towards me, it was obvious to us then, that we were as in love as anyone could be. His feelings hadn't changed because I already brightened up his day by just being there. We were foolish and naïve back then, but happy. The World was perfect, the change hadn't changed him, not in the slightest, we still loved each other.

That had been the last test, the last obstacle. I lost my virginity to Sam that night. It was wonderful, full of whispered endearments. 'I love you, always and forever.' being the last thing I heard before drifting up to sleep. I woke to a golden morning, one of those rare ones (especially in Forks) where the sun glows through the curtains bathing the room in a gentle light. I showered, got dressed in the top that Sam bought me for my birthday and went downstairs. I felt great, amazing, I'd hidden it, but I had been just the slightest bit afraid that maybe the wolf wouldn't choose me, or that it would change Sam.

Then I saw it. Sam staring at Emily. My Sam, staring at Emily. My surrogate sister. Sam didn't even turn his head when I knocked a vase to the floor and it shattered. He just smiled vapidly at Emily like some kind of lovesick zombie. I bolted. Tree branches lashed at me. All I knew about where I was going that it was away. Away from them. Away from all of us, me, Sam, Emily, would have been better, and if there was a way to do that I would have done so.

It was the Black's house I ended up going to. I knew Jacob, was sorta friends with him, even though he was a year younger than me. If Sam had liked him, I probably would have been better friends with him, but if Sam had liked him, maybe I wouldn't have gone to Jacob. I don't know. It was Billy Black that opened the door to me, not yet in a wheelchair. I think he tried to talk to me, but I just went straight upstairs and started banging on Jacob's. He looked confused to see me, but no more than I felt. I think he said: "Hey Leah." before I pushed my way into his room. I could be wrong, he used to say that to everyone, 'hey' not 'hey Leah'.

I basically flung myself at him, and started crying harder than I already was. He took it well, he's a good guy Jacob. I was still crying when Sam turned up. Admittedly, with wolf speed, it probably wasn't that much later. He gave me his old smile, walked towards me, and for a minute, for a precious minute, I thought that I had just been paranoid because of the change, that he hadn't really been looking at Emily that way. Then he opened his mouth.

"Leah, you have to come back. Emily's really upset."

"Emily? Not everything is about Emily, Sam."

"You're being selfish, now come with me."

"What about me? What about us?"

"That doesn't matter, there is no us."

"I'm not going with you."

I backed away from him. Shaking my head. He was making a growling noise deep in his throat. And as I stepped away, he came closer, stalking me like prey. When I looked at him I couldn't see the man, I could only see the animal, a strange opposite to when he was in wolf form, and I could only see the man. Jacob got to his feet eyes darting between us. He moved between us, staring with terrified eyes at Sam who quivered with his eyes locked on me.

Werewolf speed, did Sam have werewolf strength too? I couldn't risk it. I placed a hand on Jacob's shoulder. Sam emitted a growl, this one slightly lower than the first. I tried to keep my breathing steady as I forced my feet to carry me forwards.

I hesitated as I drew level with Jacob. I half-turned so I could look him in the face.

"Bye Jake. I'll see you later."

"Bye Leah, you sure it's okay."

He looked between Sam and I. No it wasn't okay, in the slightest.

"Yeah Jake. I'll see you tomorrow."

"No you won't." Sam interrupted us, "you're staying home tomorrow."

Jake seemed to want to intervene so I said:

"I'll call or something."

I would have said more, but Sam had my forearm in a grip so tight it was all I could do not to cry out. He pretty much dragged me down their gateway, as we entered the woods he broke into a lope. He wasn't running as fast as he could, but it was still too fast for the emotionally drained, relatively weak human me. I was being dragged as much as I was moving on my own accord.

Dimly something occurred to me, I was right about the werewolf strength, I would have several deep purple fingermark-shaped reminders of that strength for weeks to come. It won't be so bad, I told myself. The best point for that argument was that Emily cared for me, and that Sam having imprinted on her wouldn't like to make her unhappy by harming me further once we got back. The second best point was that Emily had never expressed any interest in Sam, and even though he had imprinted on her, she certainly hadn't imprinted on him. I could hear Emily wailing as we neared the house.

Sam literally ripped the door off its hinges and shoved me inside. There was a foreign, dangerous dark gleam in his eyes. It scared me, badly.

"Go apologise to Emily."

I walked inside tentatively.

"Em." I called out.

"Em, it's Leah, I'm sorry."

"What for?" She laughed almost bitterly, "you haven't done anything."

I glanced back at Sam who casually stepped until he was standing right behind me. What was I supposed to be sorry for? He shifted even closer so that his front was pressed up against my back. After everything, all I wanted to do was melt backwards into his embrace and have everything be okay again.

"For everything," he growled into my ear. "Tell her you're sorry for everything."

"I'm sorry for everything Em, absolutely everything." I repeated a tremor to my voice.

"Are you sorry that my Mom died?"

"Yes Em, I'm sorry for that."

"What about my Dad's death, are you sorry for that too?"

"That too."

My voice was little more than a whisper. Did Em really blame me for all that.

"I don't want you to be sorry."

Sam's hand wrapped itself just a little too tightly around my throat. He squeezed it momentarily, just to prove he could. I was absolutely shaking by this point.

"Don't be sorry," she repeated. "None of it was your fault."

"Get her to come out." He hissed in my ear.

"Em, please come out."

"Why?"

"So I can see that you're alright."

It shocked me to know that in part, that was almost the truth, I _did_ want to know that she was alright.

"Is Sam with you."

I paused, Sam obviously wanted me to say no, but she'd see the truth soon enough.

"Yeah, Em. He's here, we both are."

"Are things better with you guys now?"

"A little, it would help if you were here to mediate."

I heard the bathroom lock click, then a jacket was dumped around my shoulders and Sam's dark eyes were on me again. I didn't move.

"It's to cover up the bruises. Zip it up all the way."

My numb fingers stumbled over the simple task, finally managing to get the zipper to rest just beneath my chin. Emily pattered down the stairs, still somehow beautiful despite the tear tracks. Emily could be beautiful through anything, unlike me. Although with the way Sam simply didn't seem to register me anymore, there was very little point in me being beautiful. She eyed the jacket.

"So you two aren't angry with each other anymore?"

"Of course not, Leah felt cold so I lent her my jacket."

The words and the cheerful tone in which he spoke them made me feel cold. I shivered. Emily's eyes were on Sam as he spoke to her in the far corner of the kitchen. Away from me. I couldn't blame her, afterall, I dated him for years. A dark little voice in the back of my mind whispered that I would still date him now if he asked me. I sank into an armchair having left the kitchen. I'd never realised that Emily was so into him. Not that she would have told me, knowing that I like him too. Emily's good like that, but it doesn't stop it hurting. My Emily and My Sam, thew three of us always had gotten on rather well together. But before it was me and Sam, and Emily. Now it was Sam and Emily, and me, Leah. It was a very lonely feeling knowing that three is a crowd, and that you are the disposable one. Laughter came from the kitchen, it belonged to both of them, but the tears that fell in the living room belonged to me and me alone.

Later that night Emily came to me whilst I was asleep, or pretending to be.

"Leah."

I pretended not to hear her.

"Leah, I know you're awake."

I made a muffled moan and rolled over slowly, so that I could hear clearly, but if it was something I didn't want to talk about I could still pretend to have been half-asleep and not remember come morning.

"Leah. Leah, why did you break up with Sam?"

She leant down to shake my shoulder.

"Please Leah. This is important, you are okay with me dating your ex-boyfriend aren't you?"

I obediently pulled my head out from under the covers.

"Yes, Em. I'm fine with it."

"You don't sound fine with it. Are you sure."

"Of course, I'm just tired."

She left with a sympathetic smile.

I wasn't fine with it. I wasn't fine with it at all, but what was I supposed to say, that Sam was going to propose at the start of the Summer holidays. Next month. We wouldn't have be able to get married for a while because of her age. That at the moment, despite loving Emily like a sister I hated her. Hated her for stealing Sam. Hated her for being so nice about it so that I couldn't hate her some more. Hated her for not knowing that I was lying and that my heart was breaking. I rolled over again and pushed my forehead against the cold wall. Then I cried. Crying is supposed to get the pain out of you, but the pain didn't vanish and I couldn't stop crying. I cried so hard that my head ached and I ran out of tears so I just lay there sniffling, then I cried some more.


	2. Chapter 2

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Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, as proof of this, please note Bella's existence among other things...

The next morning I leave through my window. I haven't heard or seen him, but I just know he is downstairs with Emily. I don't need to see them to know this, and frankly I don't want to. I've always loved to run, what's better is that I'm fast, it doesn't take me long to get away from everyone and everything. Then it's just me and the steady rhythm of my feet hitting the ground. I'm completely in control here, the hint of a burn in my muscles testifies to that. The trees around me grow thickly enough that I am paying so much attention to them, only the simplest least depressing thoughts have an opportunity to surface. No car could make its way through here, nor motorbike or anything else for that matter really.

I speed up a little, heading for the beach. Then I hear crashing branches somewhere behind me. It isn't human, it's some sort of animal, a large one. And it's heading for me. I break out into my fastest sprint. It speeds up too. My breath comes in desperate pants each one burning in my throat. My muscles scream, I can hear it getting closer. I force my body to give what little more I can. Using the last of my reserves of energy I burst onto the beach. The sand doesn't hold my weight so well and shifts with every step. I start to stumble, helpless. I whimper with the realisation that I am completely and utterly helpless. Claws hit my back. A great weight follows. Then I am falling. I am struggling before I even hit the sand, but when I am my breath is driven from me and the World shakes.

My bed is oddly hard. A hand grips my shoulder and shakes me roughly. Sam. I blink awake, it's sunny. Then I remember. The leaving the house early, the chase, the being forced to the ground. It was all his fault. I grab hold of his wrist to pull his hand off me. For a split second he seems surprised and allows, it but then he tightens his grip until it nears painful. I can still feel the bruises from yesterday throbbing faintly so I give up. What's the point? I already know he's going to win. He smiles then and strokes a bit of hair out of my face. He is gentle, this is the Sam I remember, My Sam.

"Emily and I aren't dating."

Something in my chest jolts.

"Really? From what she said yesterday I assumed you were."

My voice sounds sickeningly hopeful.

"No."

He smiles down at me, pressing our lips together. His tongue pushes its way through my lips. Then he is on top of me. It isn't what I imagined for my second time, being pressed down into the gritty sand that itches. I hate the fact that anyone we know could pass by and see us. They probably won't but they might. He is biting down on my lip a little too hard and his nails are scratching me. This isn't what I want, but I want Sam more than I don't want this. I spend maybe 20 minutes on my back in the sand trying not to wince every time Sam does moves or bites or scratches.

I am relieved when he pulls out and simply lays beside me for a few moments his breath warm on my cheek. An arm draped casually around me pulls me closer, it is almost like none of it really happened. We are back to normal, I stretch out lazily, almost the full lengths of our bodies touching. Gradually the Sun moves through the sky and the sand becomes too uncomfortable beneath me. I sit up aching, sandy trying to remove what little sand I can from my clothing.

"We should head back."

The reluctance in his tone makes me smile. It gives me hope that he wants to stay here with me, alone. He moves strongly to his feet then heads out into an outcropping of trees. The wolf that lopes out hesitates on the edge of the woods. I wriggle back into my own clothing, he has seen me naked before, touched me naked before so modesty has no place here. Stupid as it sounds, I feel less self-conscious in front of him when he wears the body of a wolf. I move to his side, then we are jogging through the forest together.

His coat is beautiful. He never goes too fast for me even though I know he could if he wanted to. Strangely enough, I don't think of Emily until I am on the doorstep with Sam still in wolf form beside me. It seems oddly difficult to put my hand on the cool handle and turn it. I am selfish, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I don't want to share Sam with Emily. The door clicks open, I step inside hating the too loud sound of my trainer hitting the wooden floorboards. We move through the living room unaccosted, but as we enter the dining room we are met with a glare. More specifically Emily meets me with a glare, then she sees Sam.

Sam gets a horrified scream and Emily running away. A part of me is viciously pleased that Emily can't share this part of Sam. The rest of me wants to go after Emily. Then when Sam goes after her I feel guilty that I am jealous. She's upset, she's his imprint, it's normal for him to go after her. But I still want him to hug me, to talk to me instead. I hang around downstairs rather than going back to my room. I want to see Sam before he goes, afterall I am his girlfriend. It takes more than ten minutes for him to emerge from Emily's room, his shoulder damp from where she's all too obviously been crying on him. He pulls me into a deep kiss, and whispers in my ear.

"You should talk to her."

I stiffen up in his arms.

"You're feeling confused Lee, I think it would help you."

I don't deserve him. There is no way I deserve a guy who is more devoted to me than his imprint. But I got him, and that is what makes everything perfect at the end of the day. I breathe in his musky scent then nod, knowing that he can feel the movement of my head against his chest.

"That's my girl."

I lean up for one last kiss before heading into Emily's room. In a reverse of last night I sit on the bed while she lies in it. She won't roll over to look at me so I stroke her hair and hum the song that her mother taught us. I've never liked to talk to Emily about Sam, nor Sam to Emily. It isn't any different now, except maybe, maybe I want to talk to them about each other even less now. I don't give her platitudes, they're useless, all I can give her is me. More often these days, as we have less in common and drift further away from each other, I wonder if it isn't enough.

I cook a pasta-thing, if you can call dumping boiling water into a packet cooking. Then I take it up to her. It is nice, just the two of us. At some point I fell asleep, because now I'm waking up in Emily's bed. I don't remember falling asleep. Voices are coming from downstairs, Sam and Emily. I should go join them, even though they're not dating I don't want them alone together. I'm on the stairs when I see them kiss. It in no way can be considered a friendly kiss. I choke on the air in my throat putting my hand over my mouth to stifle the sound. Sam's oh-so-special werewolf senses seem to have picked up on it because his head whips around and golden eyes fix themselves on me.

He started the kiss. I pull on my jacket, try to regulate my breaths, try to calm down. I know he started it, because I know Emily wouldn't have. I never imagined I could take this news without crying. I feel hollow and my throat is tight, my body is twitching as though I were crying and I realise that the high-pitched whimper-whine is coming from my own throat. This wasn't supposed to happen.

The phone picks that moment to go off. My phone, not the house phone, who's calling me at this time? I feel oddly detached as I pick it up and go:

"Hello. Who is it?" in a perfect monotone.

"Leah? Is that you?"

The voice is familiar, it takes me a moment to place it.

"Jake?"

"Yes, Leah. Leah, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Can I stay over at yours tonight."

Nothing is wrong, I suppose from at least one point of view. Sam has managed to get exactly what he wanted, he ate his cake and got to keep the newer, prettier cake.

"Sure, I guess."

"Thanks Jake, this means a lot."

"See you when you get here then."

"See you."

I echo his own words back at him numbly. Is it really that obvious that something is wrong with me, that Jake, despite not knowing me overly well can tell just from my voice?

The walk to Jake's house takes a good while, it is cold, for being so close to noon. Then again, this is Forks. I dawdle on my way there, suddenly I'm not sure that going to see Jake is the best of ideas. I can't have him find out about this whole mess. It would devastate Emily, and as yesterday showed only too well, I'm not so good at exercising any self-restraint around Jake. It's probably because he's so honest and straight forward himself that anything less than the whole truth makes you feel like a complete bitch. More likely, it's the way that he trusts you to tell the truth, he always, always sees the good in me. When there isn't any good in me left, and from my recent actions that'll probably be soon, he'll probably hallucinate good in me.

Billy Black greets me at the door, he eyes me suspiciously, staring at my face for several moments too long. I rub at my face then my fingers encounter wetness. It wasn't raining. Slowly it dawns on me, at some point or another I started to cry, I quiver a little and more tears run down my cheek. I shiver and he continues to look at me disapprovingly for several moments before moving aside far enough to let me pass. Jake's been upset, by yesterday's incident, and of course I'm receiving the blame. It couldn't possibly be perfect little Sam could it? Now I'm here again, I'm not looking to cause trouble, but Billy's right, I'm almost certainly going to hurt Jacob again.

Don't good intentions count for anything? I push my hair back from my face then pad up the stairs clumsily. I stop outside Jacob's bedroom door. It swings open before I knock. Unlike his father, Jake is more than happy to have me pass through his doorway. He tilts his head to the side as though considering something. He sits on his bed then gestures.

"Have a seat."

He flushes, the idea that his bed is the only place in the room to sit obviously took a moment to catch up to him. I move over and sit beside him anyway. The contact is strange, I'm hyper-aware of everything that shows he's alive, from the beat of his heart to the warmth of his body. Somehow he makes me feel more alive, the warmth of his body gently washing away the coldness of my own. He doesn't say anything, neither do I. He wouldn't understand the situation if I explained it. We don't need words for now, sooner or later I'm going to have to talk to somebody before I go insane, but not right now. He knows that I need him, he's here, and I know he believes in me, that is more than enough.

Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. Can't he ever just leave well enough alone? He stands in Jake's doorway, arms folded eyes moving coldly between the two of us. I feel Jake stiffen, I feel myself stiffen, then I am burying deeper into Jake's arms. Sam scares me, there's a knot in my throat from just admitting it to myself. Sam scares me, but I still love him. I need to get over Sam. We're not good.


End file.
